Time is Fleeting, Madness Takes its Toll….

It has come to my attention that my posts have been somewhat lax or nil to be exact, over the last couple of years. Where has the time gone, what the hell have I done to make me neglect writing for such a long time. Life, that’s what has happened, time has become a valuable commodity I seem to have less and less of.

In life, there comes a point where days and weeks, turn into months and before you know it, you’re putting up the Chistmas Tree once again. This time of year brings with it happiness but also a sense of sorrow. 

Since my mum passed, life hasn’t been the same. Being mums navigator as she traversed life as a single woman was one thing, having to take on that same role when your siblings are old enough to take care of themselves is another.

My brother is turning his life around, something I knew he had in him aswell as knowing he is a survivor, in every sense. Being around the right people is the most essential thing and he has this. His family, as we all have chosen in the absence of our matriach, is what has helped support him when he was ready to change.

My sisiter on the other hands, has spiralled to a place that I can’t and won’t follow. Her life is one I can no longer help until she sees it herself. Even the loss of her kids to her ex is not motivation enough to change and no words I utter will ever change her perspective, until she wants too. It doesn’t help with the folk she’s around.

Her beauty, that she was once very proud of, is now a shell of who she was, who I know she is inside. I know she’s there but she has to want to fight for it. Once she wants to take that step, I will be there for her, but at this moment, all I can do is look in. In the hope that she will see that this is not life, this is not who you are, it is that thing, which I dare not name. That one thing many families deal with everyday, a scourge that has gripped us, not even the average country town is safe.

My only wish is for her to want to help herself, no one can live life for you, our choices determine our future. We all have choices and as time goes on, I know how hard it can be to change but if I were faced with losing parental rights, I’d do all I can to change, no matter how hard that uphill battle is. Wanting to change is the first step and the hardest. I just hope she has that in her.

So yes, time is fleeting and in some cases, madness does take its toll, but I know that my inner strength has been whats kept me sane amongst the madness that is my life.

So thats whats been going down in my life, amongst many good things, which I’ll leave for another day, when I’m feeling a little brighter than today.

So until next time and another moment of madness, Ciao xx

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The changing nature of the beast…..


I had lunch recently with an old school friend, someone who I’ve thought about over the years. My first years at school were fairly similar to a lot of kids, a few close friends and being a small town, everyone knew everyone. I guess things changed in high school or shortly before that, girls were changing, hormones raging and the sweet friendships we once knew and cherished would at times turn decidedly nasty. This friend I was having lunch with was not in that category, she never would be.

It was over lunch we reminisced about the old town, what we’d been doing, our kids and of course ourselves. The subject turned at some point to bullying. I wrote about this briefly in my post Hindsight, that reminded me of the age old question. Does a bully ever really change?

I guess without having anything to go by, as I don’t personally share my social times with those that left scars on my heart and soul, it got me thinking, can someone who was a “mean girl” ever really let go of that persona.

It bothers me at times, as I’m scrolling my newsfeed and one of those old mean girls pops up advocating for stopping bullying that makes me think, maybe they do understand, maybe they have seen the error of their ways, but then again,  Public appearances can be deceiving.

I realised that anyone who’s been a victim of school yard or online bullying can never really let go of that, the psychological scars run fairly deep. I  have been unfortunate enough to encounter a bully some years ago in a social setting as an adult, completely separate from school. The way this person acted, was like sugar and spice to the public, but would rip your heart out and feed it to the sharks if they wanted to when you weren’t in earshot. She bullied me endlessly, undermining me, spreading nasty rumours that were so far from the truth that I confronted her. She did stop, but I could never trust her or want to even associate with her again, the cutting of ties in a very public forum was the ultimate karma. 

She was different though, she was a different kind of nasty and that became apparent over the years and my heckles were up from day one. What confounds me though, are the typical mean girl ones, the ones who were councillors or sports captains, perhaps a Dux, the ones who hid behind popularity and a thin veil that got lifted in strategic circumstances, as it always does. 

Over the years I’ve made concious choices not to put myself in those positions like I did that last time, I speak my truth and I say what needs to be said if I ever feel like that 14 year old girl again. I’m stronger, I’m far more resilient and I know that they can only hurt me, if I let them. That adult bully made me realise that I can speak up and say no to being a victim anymore.

There are many that don’t get over it and this number alone is reflected in the rate of suicides. You notice thses deaths never make it more than the obituaries which shows how we as society see mental illness. Brush it under the rug, try not to show it in public, whatever you do just not talk about it. Bullying happens in all areas, work, school, home, sports, just about anywhere.

It was a photo I saw of a university in the US who had laid out the bags of former students who had taken their own life that got me thinking about this subject again. It was a stark reminder that an estimate of 50% of those young souls, were probably bullied. I am so very fortunate that my children have respect for all people and treat people as they like to be treated, they are fortunate to have not been subjected to bullying as I was they are also strong in themselves, something that when you’re bullied, gets taken away from you. 

So I get back to my subject of does a mean girl ever really change from the person deep inside, it’s a question that I guess only someone who’s treated others in a way that scars them would really know. I don’t think I want to ask that question, I give the benefit of doubt that maybe they have changed, but one thing is for certain, I’ll never let my guard down around them, as they say once bitten, twice shy!

Until my next moment of madness……

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Syncronicity….

As I sit here listening to tunes on a Friday night, I am reminded once again of the moments in my life that knit together like a giant throw rug. Encasing me in its endless weaves as another colour comes to light.

At the start of this year, my 40th on this physical plane, I felt a shift, one great enough for me to open my eyes to the connections that I make everyday in my life, knowing indeed I am on the right path.

Have you ever noticed the people you meet who have a soul connection to you, as James Redfield would put it, your soul group. A connection of people who find each other in each lifetime. It may sound corny but think of it as I tell my story of my soul group, which continues to expand day by day.

When I started in the industry, I had been compared to a young lady by the name of Silvia, who had worked with my first employers. Throughout the years, I had not had the chance to meet this woman who had essentially opened the door for me at my first job. So my first day at my new job, who should be sitting on the otherside of the partitian but the one and only Silvia. My boss’ sister, what were the chances, she didn’t have the same last name!

With this revelation, we built a rapor immediately, I wish I’d met her years ago! 

Then the next thread was woven when the wife of the boss mentioned that she is the cousin of the Senior footy club president I had the pleasure of working with as the junior president. Another connection that I recognised straight away. The realisation that their son was one of the footballers the president was talking about coming in to the club when they were looking for good Colts players.

Then the next came with a conversation with the daughter who had played basketball at my old high school and had played alongside and was in a way coached by one of my old school friends. We knew the same people, this is something that a true soul group has, connections that span those six degrees.

After that, I found that the compiler was best mates with the young lad I had employed years ago, it was surreal as the connections continued. Then the clincher, the family connection came just recently.

I had mentioned to our import guy that my cousin had a shop in the Woolstores and made soy candles, which is when he perked up and said, “Oh Palma!” 

Gobsmacked we realisde his best friend was my cousins best friend, the most significant sign that I was indeed on the right track in my life. I couldn’t believe that the best job that I have ever had is in actual fact, the soul group I had been searching for.

I guess today was the clincher for me, you see, when I was at my first job, I would stop in at the lunchbar everryday for my toastie and iced coffee, especially when I was pregnant. The guy with the elvis hair and the young lady who worked there at the time, happen to be family of my now  boss’ wife and the young lady who worked there and still does, is one of my  workmates wife and their daughter also works with us! It really is a family affair!

The madness that I had endured for the best part of 2015 broke away into a memory of the gravel path we sometimes have to travel in order to get to the paradise that lies beyond the dust.

As we go along our daily journey, we have the choice to recognise the syncronicity in our lives and appreciate that our lives are so meaningful. When you think about it, your life is richer when you meet people who have some kind of link to your life, in fact thats’s a story for another day about my other half and I. And by making those connections, links so to speak or the weave of a thread, it enriches their lives too and so your soul group expands and another colour comes into focus.

Everyday, we are presented with opportunities, some small, some large and life changing, whatever they are, recognise the syncronicity in your life, I know I do.

Until next time, ciao xx

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No. 13

Remember my post No 41, well I can say that the young man I mentioned in closing, Brendan’s younger brother Callum Ah Chee, who was selected at No.8 by Gold Coast in the 2015 national draft, made his debut this year in the AFL.

I have watched this young man grow up, as a young footballer at the Kelmscott Bulldogs and later, at South Fremantle playing Colts. He has always shown a remarkable ability to understand the play, he is quick, agile and extremely smart both intellectually and on the field.

I didn’t get to see his first game but the shining highlight so far in the early stages of season 2016, was watching him kick a goal off the play by Gary Ablett Junior against Fremantle at Pattersons! What a play, I had a tear, for this kid who had grown up around my very own children, who they class as their friend. He was Head Boy of his year at Kelmscott SHS, excelled at athletics and football and was one of the most respectful kids I have ever met.

I can’t speak more highly of this family than I already do, having knowing Val and Brendan Snr for many years, they have brought up a magnificent family and it shows in both the two who’re making their mark in the world of AFL, but also the other brothers who are such a tight knit group.

So good luck Cal, I know I’ll be watching you for many years to come and I will always remember the years at the Bulldogs where I presented you with the most club votes. The pride in your eyes at the perpetual trophy, one your kids may see one day, as you got 143 votes, the highest at that point ever! I knew you’d make it and proud to have watched you   develop your skills and reach that goal!

For those of you who haven’t watched a game of footy, Aussie style, take a look at Callums interview this year  

Callum Ah Chee
The athleticism and fitness levels are one of the most demanding in all world sports, its a hard game, but a freaking good one. Just like football in its many forms, we grow up and love what we know, I didn’t really know about soccer or other types of football until I was well older. 

This is the game I love and it brings me joy when I watch someone I know make their mark, a truly great experience, one I’m sure I’ll be watching for many more AFL seasons to come.

Ciao bella xx

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What rights do we have?

For a long time, I’ve been an advocate of the right to die movement, something inherintly our own choice, but yet is still not ours to make.

I watched my mother die, a slow and probably painful death given the amount of morphine she was administered to keep the pain at bay. I watched her lose conciousnous, I watched as her faculties were no longer hers to control, I watched as I had no choice, SHE had no choice even knowing what her choice would have been.

She wouldn’t have wanted her husband, daughter and best friends to change her diaper because she couldn’t go to the toilet any longer. She wouldn’t have wanted to have her life end in such an undignified manner when she was the most dignified woman to me.

She would have chosen to go peacefully, in her own way so that the memories of her suffering would not be inflicted on those closest to her. 

How is it that we, in this day and age, not consider the humane and dignified way of leaving when you know there is no chance you will ever get better!

I guess the old argument comes to mind, a horse breaks its leg, in all other facets it is healthy, but we put it down. WHY? Because we don’t want to see it suffer.

Isn’t a human life more valuable, can’t a person, who knows that they will leave this world in a cruel and callous way as is the death by a disease, the like of cancer. Can’t they say, put me down, I don’t want to suffer! Why shouldn’t they have the choice.

We treat animals more humanely than a dying human, doesn’t that say something.

I know, given what I have seen, experienced and lived through, that if my days were numbered, I’d want to choose how to go.

I wouldn’t want some beaurocrat or law giver to tell me what is or isn’t right for me, I want to know that I have a choice. The clearest memories I have of my mother, unfortunately, are when she was dying. This is the reality of allowing someone to suffer, not only does the person suffer, but so too those around them. This can and does create more mental health issues, something our society is already inundated with.

So as Ms MacTiernan advocates on behalf of those dying, I back it 100% why shouldn’t, why oppose when we all know that no one wants to die the way we allow people to do!

Alannah MacTiernan Speaks for Rights
It is something that is long overdue and quite frankly, should be the choice that we as Australians, deserve and need. Not only for the dying, but for the families and friends that have to carry on, after the war is over and all that is left are battle scars that no one can see.

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The Ugly Truth….

Yesterday, we lost our Aunt who had been suffering dementia for the past few years, her decline rapid but not unusual. It was a sad moment when we got the call but in reality we knew she had peace finally.

It brought to mind my own families history with this disease and how it affects us differently, how we react, what we do and say and to an extent how we deal with the person with dementia.

For me, the first time I was ever aware of this disease was my Pop C. At first he would forget where he put his wallet, his decline gradual over many years and finally come to end in winter of 1996. I still recall when my Dad had called and asked if I had wanted to see him, his days were numbered, this was a week out from his passing. I declined, not because I didn’t want to see the man who taught me Patience at the dining table, no I knew the man I would see would be the shell of a man who didn’t even know his wife. I don’t regret not seeing him in the home but I stillremember  his smiling face. The beauty of not having a bad memory of a man I loved.

It would be a few years and my Nanna C was next, her death of Dementia another one to add to the genetic lottery that is my family. Again I didn’t see her in the home, I wanted to remember her as the pillar of strength she was, cooking a traditional Corned Beef with all the trimmings, giving me guidance through the years. Her memory positive and kind, something I am grateful for.

Then we come to my other side of the family, my Nanna S, who slipped into a state of dementia after the loss of her husband, my Pop to a heart attack. My recollections of the disease are far more sad and graphic than I care to remember. I was close to my nanna but distance meant I only saw her a few times in the last 5 years of the disease. I had visited her a few times and there were moments of recognition that I was grateful to have experienced, but the last time was perhaps the most pointant.

About a year before she passed, I had gone to see her after work, I had taken some biscuits with me to share, lemon creams, when I saw her I almost let the tears that were building up out, I remained strong. She was ok for a short time then she started moving away from me, not sure who I was or maybe she saw my mum, she did say Linda that day, mum had been gone for a few years at this stage. When I left that day, I sat in the carpark and cried for a good 10 minutes before starting my journey home. I knew I would never see her until the day we buried her.

She passed just before Christmas a few years ago, her funeral sombre and just perfect for a woman who was one of the toughest women I had ever the privelidge to meet or know. Her memories would always be tainted, just like my mothers and I think back and wonder, if I hadn’t seen her, would I still have these feelings of anger at a disease that tears apart families.

Each of us deals with it differently and more often than not, its the relationship that determines how close you go. It seems callous to not want to visit with someone, but for me, someone who feels others pain, a place like where my grandparents resided in their  final days, was far too much emotionally to deal with. Before my Nanna C passing, I don’t think I was strong enough to survive it before then.

So I guess my whole blog really is a personal journey a realisation that my feelings are normal, my hestation, a feeling many people have towards a loved one who succumbs to this really sad way of leaving this earth. I also think that my distance to some family members are by choice because my memories are all that I have, some, the feelings run thicker in the blood.

Whatever you choose to do, if ever you are confronted with this, its normal, all of it. Don’t live with guilt, what is meant to be will be and the choices you make determine your future, if that happens to be never seeing a loved one in a home, you aren’t the first and you won’t be the last. 

Today, I let go of the guilt for what I now know as normal and not something to be ashamed of. I know that they are truly at peace, their memories live on in those left behind, and I know that what we had in the world of reality is far more than memories will ever take away from us.

Dementia, Alzheimers, whatever it is, is something personal that only you decide how to deal with, for me, the memories will always remain of those who were truly our legacy…

Until next time, ciao….

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Musings….

I am pretty certain, my last post indicated a positive change, well, lets just say, it is indeed!

When in August last year, I found my world collapsing around me, I had a time of complete and utter sadness. What that time gave me, in those early days of my hiatus, was a time of reflection. I was encompassed in a bubble of self loathing, although from the exterior I was happy. It took me a while to realise that I had given so much of myself over 16 years, that this was in fact, fates way of saying YOU NEED TIME OUT!

Once the realisation hit that this was a time for re-grouping, I started my 31 Day Blog Challenge which made me realise how much crap is really in my head! It was also cathartic in a way, letting go, sharing my many musings in life. That was the whole point of this blog in the first place, a space where I can share the random shit that happens in my life, snippets of an ordinary girl.

So as I left what was a crappy 2015 behind, I started working full time, I was offered another unit to teach in the Diploma and my relationship with my kids is so freaking good!

I look back and know that when you are faced with adversity, you have two choices, sink or swim. For a while there I felt I was sinking, my own non-action contributed to this state of mind. Then I knew that this was not what I was meant to be doing. I needed to find a job, but not just any job, one that would allow me space to spread my wings, an environment where you could chat and be a little loud at times, a place to feel comfortable.

So I tasked my wonderful agent with the list of wishes, and boy did she deliver. I’d seen this company many times, the sign jumping out at me every time I passed it. When I got the call, I jumped, why the fuck not! I knew there might have been an opportunity and I had always had a deep respect for the owner of the business, I was so nervous. This was the type of company I had been seeking. A family owned and operated Customs Brokerage, longevity of employees and a good working environment.

That first meeting, it was exactly what I expected, it was lengthy but what resulted was good conversation and a feeling of being at home. When I got the call a few days later for a second interview, I was sitting around the pool at my besties and didn’t hesitate to call back, even being 6.45pm!

To say that I was excited at the opportunity presented to me, was somewhat humbling. I have spent a long time working and feeling like my experience was a burden, a threat to others, when all I’ve ever wanted was to share my knowledge and experience, help the next generation along.

This job would allow me to continue my trade as well as utilise my operational experience and help the business grow. I look forward to what could only be classed as, a yellow brick road. That place where everyday the light is bright around you, the coincidences are compounding and I know that this indeed the path I am meant to be on. 

So to sum up todays random musing, I realised to trust your instincts, believe in yourself and never let self doubt draw you into its spell. You are worth more than that, and when you least expect, someone sees that little glimpse of gold and invests in it. 

So my fellow bloggers, with 4 assessments to complete before Friday to attain my Diploma by RPL and continue teaching, I bid you adieu for today.

Though I may not be as regular as the morning train, I promise to update when I can, yep I know that’s the EGO hoping for followers!

Ciao xx

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An ode to 2015…thank F its over!

As I sit here enjoying a beverage and listening to tunes on this, the last hour of 2015, I am reminded of what a roller coaster ride I’ve had over the last 12 months. Sure, I’ve had some freaking awesome moments, but the downhill slopes that have been traversed this year, put into perspective everything that has made me who I am, this very moment in time.

A phone call, 30 minutes to midnight on the eve of 2015 should have been a warning sign as to what was in store this great year. Now I say great in a way a teenager says okay, its just a word and conjures up no feeling at all. I could honestly say that its been a fair amount of life changing moments that literally rocked my world, this being the first of many wher Master J was involved.

We were at a friends for New Years, playing the really horrible card game “Cards Against Humanity”. It really challenged me to play this game, especially with the cards I had in my hand! But we played, drank and were looking forward to bringing in the New Year, with joy, friendship and hope for a great year ahead. Little did we know this would be short lived.

At about 11.30pm, I get a call that changes our mood, our whole night and world turned upside down. Master J decided that fighting with his best mate would be a good thing! Boys is all I could say…

So that turned into no birthday party for him and what would become a year full of holy crap moments.

Then came the start of the school year, Master J was excited to start in a sports program, then we got a call, he’d fucked up in no uncertain terms within the first week! This was followed by weeks of appeals and interviews and back on the program! Yay, or so we thought, this would be short lived….again!

So then we got him into a pre-apprenticeship in Automotive body building which was a positive thing.

Things seemed to taper out on that front which gave us some peace, for a time. Then things started to heat up in my family, court proceedings and a sister out of control and addicted to Meth left me feeling like I was failing my mother in some way. It didn’t go the way it should have and a chasm  had opened up in my sisters and my relationship. It was  inevitable, I could see it coming but I was powerless to change the direction of her life, as much as I wanted to, it was hers to decide.

Then came being kicked out of a church at a funeral, yep, that’s right, being turned away from the house of god. It was a complicated sitaution and I was caught in the middle, taking the fall for another’s action. The whole idea of family being flung out the window like a frisbee, words that can’t be taken back and nor do I feel I have to. My Dad was lost to me and my step-mother proved the fable of Cinderella true, some people are just nasty.

So I had to really look at my life and relationships with my immediate family and work out what it is I can do to keep the peace, at least I think that’s what I’m supposed to do. Who else can be the glue our family needs when our mother is no longer here to serve that purpose.

I take on the guilt and feelings of inadequacy and realise I can’t sacrifice my happiness for those that don’t reciprocate, so I tried to let it go.

A  high point was my wonderful daughter, Miss E’s 18th birthday. What two freaking awesome parties. She wanted a family do and a friends “gathering” and she got it. The only downside was a dick of a boyfriend who had very little respect my little girl, I was only too happy to see the tail end of him!

We were cruising for a while, Master J got his apprenticeship and Miss E was of age and suddenly became more like a mid week resident! I so loved that age, going out and exploring the world. Things seemed like they were falling into place.

Then events beyond our control gripped us in its clutches, death of friends, losing my job and loss of an apprenticeship, yep Master J strikes again.

The death of the boys and serious injury to the other driver completely engulfed a community that spanned most of the southern river corridor. This was perhaps the most heartbreaking time of my life, watching my son in pain and knowing he’s no-longer a little boy of 8, that death would affect him like an adult, not like a child. His emotions, already in turmoil because of puberty, made him change, made him re-evaluate life.

The funerals came and went but one incident will always stick in my mind, after the brothers funeral, which resulted in another call for help, Master J was going  three for three at this stage! Needless to say he has to keep his nose clean and I so hope it stays that way. 

I was then honoured to making the 21st Birthday cake for my best friends son, I had done her daughters only two years ago and this was my gift to him. This was a high point, I was at a point needing to find myself and realised I wasn’t so bad at this, execpt I really needed a reliable oven, thankfully one of my Xanadu besties offered her Bosch for me to use, lifesaver!

Then came interview after interview with no real prospects in sight, an employnent agent who barely worked for me and one who I would almost expect to be the type who’d run in front of a bus to get you that job. She was fan-freaking-tastic and you’ll find out soon enough.

Master J got a job working for a friend as a plasteres labourer, he truly had a knack for his fathers trade and was doing well. Apart from me not having a job, things finally felt like we were at a calm and hopefully more positive end to the year coming up.

Miss E found a new man, one that would be a positive for her, a stabiliser and someone who made my little girl happy. It was long overdue!

I started teaching, which was an experience and a joy, I truly loved sharing my knowledge and guiding that next generation of Customs Brokers through one of their first courses in the Diploma. I am looking forward to 2016 because of this! 

So still no full time job, I get offered part time work in a cafe/gourmet food mart, I truly loved this and I’ll never forget my first day, it was the day Master J got his moped license and crashed his bike, resulting in an operation to clean the humerous bone that had come through the skin when he hit the rear end of a mate’s ute who stopped suddenly. Yep, number four….

So that was 6 weeks before Christmas, he still has another three weeks before any chance of getting back to work. I had finally, just a week before Christmas, been told of a potential real deal job. That and the fact I had found out there may be an opening had my my gal ring me and ask if she could put my name forward, I jumped at the chance. After all, I actually really thought the idea of this company was one I could work for. I had noticed them after leaving a job interview earlier that year, I felt a vibe, a good one. I’m learning to trust these feelings more.

So after that first interview, two days before Santa visited, I was basically offered the position conditional on interview number two. Last night I recieved the offer in writing and I accepted without hesitation, this role is going to give me a broad scope of work, one I hope will see me through to long service.

So as I close this year off, Miss E is at Origin with her BF and Master J broke his phone about an hour ago and rang from a friends phone to tell me that, and that he loved me. Miss E is probably rocking it to some R&B rhythym, I’ll probably get another call from the boy, and I am finally content and at peace.

So adieu 2015, you’ve given me joy, tears, love, loss and everthing in between. Hello 2016, the year of the Monkey and hello to 40!

So until next year, my fellow bloggers, stay safe and remember the rear view mirror is smaller for a reason…

Ciao bella’s xxx

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Chocolate, vanilla, strawberry….

I’ve always been attuned to the realms of the spirit world, ever since I can remember. I felt things that weren’t there, smells that would come and go with no one in the room, shadows that danced in my bedroom as a kid, the cold feeling I had when I couldn’t explain it.

As the years progressed, I learnt to accept these strange sensations but never really thought anything of it. It wasn’t until I had a dream about a lady when I was pregnant with my daughter, that I had told my mum about it, the baby’s name was Crystal. She had looked at me and told me a friend had given birth to a baby and named it Crystal, the look on her face meant she knew that I had some sort of sight into the future through my dreams.

I didnt have another one until a week before my pop’s passing. The dream so vivid and to this day, I reacll everything.

I was sitting in my family room when I heard a knock at the side door (everyone used this door, only those that didnt know us would knock on the front door). When I opened it, there stood my Grandfather, he had never been to my house as we had only been there a short time. I was excited and asked him to come in. He said “where’s your mother?”, I then said “I’ll call her right now”.

I called my mother and in an instant she was there. My pop and mum sat on my blue three seater and well worn couch for what seemed like hours, they talked and talked. I just watched not knowing what was being said in that intimate conversation. As they finished, he got up, walked to the door, tipped his italian cap in greeting, smiled said goodbye Nicole and left.

When I woke up after this dream, I had decided to tell mum about the dream, it was Easter Monday and I went to see her. I told her about the dream and said she should really go see her parents. At this point, she was angry at her mother and refused to go see them, I know she regretted it as a week to the day, we received a call that my pop had died in his sleep from a massive heart attack.

I was devastated but I was so grateful I got to see him one last time, even if it was in my dreams.

Again, I had no really meaningful dreams for a long while until the day my mother died. She had been in a coma from the GBM for over a week and I had known, when she came to me, that she was about to go.

The dream was so quick, one minute I get a phone call, its my mum, but I can see her and she is with a man who was extremely handsome and was attached to my mother in some way (I didn’t know it then as my pop). She was speaking in  such a happy voice, laughing with joy and I felt a peaceful feeling envelope as she said “Its ok Nicky, I’m ok, I love you!” And then she was gone.

I woke up that morning, dressed for work, I don’t know why, well I do but it was only after, but I wore all black that day. It was 10am when I got the call to say she had passed, I knew she had sent me a message to tell me she was on the otherside and she was ok.

I hadn’t realised how important these dreams would become to me and now, as I head into my 40’s, I am finally realising that what I have is a gift.

I say this as I went back to my old home town for a Psychic Workshop with Anthony Grzelka, one of Australia’s most prominet psychics. It was here that I finally realised that I should really try to open up that portal in myself and see just how much of a gift I have.

You can find all about The Ghost Whisperer here….

The Ghost Whisperer

He was awesome, I had a reading in amongst the crowd and my paternal grandmother along with my maternal  grandparents came through, finally my mum showed up and he said to me, a message that makes me feel like my purpose is being exposed, “Two days before your mum passed, you helped release her and crossover, she thanks you for that!”.

I sat stunned  because whilst she was in a coma, I had written her a letter that I had started to write when I found out she had the brain tumor and had read it to her that night. It was my way of saying sorry for all the shitty things I had done and forgiving her for all the things we both did wrong in our realtionship. I had not told anyone of this until after I fisrt saw a psychic called  Rebecca Millman who first confirmed that letter. To that point, I had never told a soul. So to get confirmation from two people who channel and speak to those in the spirit world, was comforting.

During my evening in town, he explained the role of the spirit world, I felt a comfort knowing some things he said and I LOVE the anaolgy  of Neapolitan  Icecream he presents us with. There is no heaven and hell, the hell you think of is when you cross over and have assess your life, this is where all the bad you have done comes to the for, kind of like a purgatory of sorts, the same goes for all the good you have done. Like a sort of Karma I guess you could say.

We live in the strawberry, our lives are built upon a foundation of love, hope and happiness. Sometimes sadness and despair, but its what we call life. When we leave this life and we cross over to the spiritual and we enter the realm of the afterlife, the first stop vanilla.

A place of introspection, a place where you have to face the good , the bad and the ugly. The place where you live in the shoes you’ve done bad by, the lives of you’ve left a positive imprint on. Whatever you have done in the physical, you have to face in the afterlife. It’s interesting that those who don’t face their destiny, are stuck forever in between and can’t move beyond this purgatory they have left themselves entwined in, it makes me think of ghosts and how they are stuck. Perhaps if they face those truths they fear, they’ll be able to finally cross over. Once you face the truth of your life, you move on to the next and final stage.

The chocolate, the place we embrace while we are in our soul body, the place we reside before choosing another path, if that’s what we have in store for us.  Most of those who cross over are well and truly  in the chocolate, their lives have come full circle, they have lived to tell another day. They communicate with us, a soft breeze when there’s none around. A smell that conjures up thoughts of someone you once cared for. A song playing on a radio or even a number plate. Whatever it is, the spirit world does communicate with us, all the time! 

I found his style and presence warming and it has given me an insight into what I can achieve if I focus and let go of all the other crap that only serves the ego, I need to get back to basics.

My dreams have been vivid of late, people have come into my night world and I know that they are trying to communicate with me, for whatever reason that may be.

Perhaps something I myself would have never predicted. Whatever my future has in store there is no doubt my future will be filled with opportunities because that is what I know is being presented to me. I just have to remember not to speak too soon.

So, with that, I wish you you a very merry Christmas and a most prosperous 2016! It is highly likely, with my study load before New Year, I probably won’t see you all until next year.

Raise a glass for those who’ve passed and absent friends and know they will probably be hovering over you during this festive season, I can bet on that!

  
Ciao and Boun Natale  xx

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It’s all coming back to me…

Don’t you find it funny when you hear a song and it brings back a certain memory. There’s one song that sticks in my mind for one reason, and that is the symbol of my youth and freedom.

As a young woman, making my way in this world, I worked a day job and then another part time job, usually waitressing. These were some of themost  memorable moments in my life. When I first moved out of home, my flatmate got me work at the local mexican restaurant, The Good, The Bad and The Ugly, there I learnt to make awesome nachos that didn’t collapse, a cappuccino in a mug snd clean up after drunken teenagers on their 18th celebrations. That was not pretty at all!

From there I went to an upmarket Mexican place, Pedros Mexican Villa in Mosman Park, of all places. Here I got tips, like real moeny in your hand tips. There was this lovely couple, they would come in regularly on a Friday night and they would sit at the same window seat so that they could see their house from the restaurant. This year, New Year fell on a Friday and as I was rostered on, I met with many a local group on their way out to other New Year celebrations. This couple had graced us I had the camera and I caught them in a perfect moment. I don’t recall their names, but I’ll always remember that $30 tip that New Years eve.

  
From there I went on to a little seafood restaurant called Catch of theDay, at the P&O Hotel in High street Fremantle. This was short lived but even when I wasn’t working, I’d still hold up the bar!

After this, was my last place before I had my babies, Fiorelli’s in Essex Street Fremantle, a little Italian place that I loved working at. As staff at the restaurants around the strip, we would often be let into Metro’s without having to wait in line, after all, we’ve provably just waited on the many patrons waiting in line. This is how we would spend many a Friday or Saturday night, but sometimes, we weren’t that lucky to get the right swing and we’d be left to clean the place. 

This wasn’t so bad and brings me back to that song that takes you back. You see my boss at Fiorelli’s being Italian, LOVED Celine Dion and after the last customer would leave, he’d chuck on one of the few Celine CD’s he had, most of the time, he picked The Colour of my Loveand would   automatically put it on this song…

It’s All Coming Back To Me 

Grabbing that broom, or the cloth to wipe the tables, we would soar into action, making the place sparkling clean, re-setting the tables for the next day, we did it with ease. We would often be heard on the terrace singing at the top of our lungs as we ended our evening to the powerful voice that resinated from the stereo.

I recall those days with fondness and melancholy, knowing that those memories are what I have to remind me of my youth. I think I’ve always worked in an environmant that has been of a service to people and I guess I always will.

Just thought I’d share this with you, I dare you, try not to sweep during this song, it truly makes you want to clear away the cobwebs…

Ciao darlings…xxx

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